8 Lessons From a Newly Divorced Woman
1. Time is money
It is so expensive to fight over meaningless things. So much time going back and forth on mostly pointless issues. Every period, comma, and paragraph of my divorce settlement cost money. It cost money to rephrase sentences so two people saying the exact same thing could feel like each person had control. The money was one thing, but the emotional toll was unquantifiable.
While it didn’t quite cost money to engage in pointless conversations or situations, it cost my peace, my sleep, my Tylenol, the hours in my work day, and the use of my cellular plan. No Mas. “let them have their narrative, you have your conscience”
2. You can’t put a price on everything
The cost of my divorce was the most I ever spent on anything. Not even my wedding or my education (sans exorbitant interest) cost that much. Considering what was at stake. Every single penny was worth it. Every time I had to make an additional payment to my divorce lawyer, I would cry a little and then be comforted knowing what I was truly fighting for.
3. There’s nothing like a disaster to make you grow up quickly.
Before my divorce, I was so emotionally immature, I cried a LOT. I cried when I couldn’t articulate my thoughts. I cried instead of standing my ground. Nothing against crying but I wasted so much time feeling sorry for myself instead of fighting for truth and dignity. The minute I filed for divorce, I was forced into a boxing ring and grew up quickly. Part of growing up meant facing the truth like a big girl and weaving and ducking punches instead of pulling the sheets over my head and crying myself into a frenzy.
4. When a storm hits, take cover first and assess the damage later
When I look back at all the wasted energy and emotion I spent at the beginning of my divorce, it makes me cringe. I spent so much time trying to explain myself, trying to hang on to people that were fleeing very quickly. Much of my effort was also spent trying to contain a situation that was beyond repair. In retrospect, I should have taken a step back and let people flee, gossip and judge as they needed to. I should have let the fires burn while I sheltered myself, my children, and my sanity.
5. Nothing lasts forever
The grief of my failed marriage was beyond anything I had ever experienced. Whenever I felt like I was starting to get myself together, I would suddenly get swept under the wave of sadness and hopelessness. I hated that I couldn’t tuck my grief away nicely except when my children were awake or during work. I hated how much of a sad blob I had become. And then just the way it swept in, it all went away. I started to feel something I hadn’t experienced in years- Hope. I wish I could explain how beautiful it is. It’s the best gift this divorce has given me.
6. Denial is a sick joke to play on yourself
Just before my marriage ended, I realized that a few things, just like the marriage itself, were all a facade. The future I thought we were building was a joke at best. I saw all the warnings signs but l slept in 400-count denial cotton sheets. I prayed, fasted, and went to bed thinking “it can’t be that bad”
It was bad. Much worse than anything I could have anticipated. When my marriage ended, the smoke screen quickly dissolved. I was a 36-year-old woman with a well-paying job, depleted savings and investments, and a ton of responsibilities including taking care of my children, and yes DEBT. When my life blew up, I didn’t receive any warning. There was no emergency savings fund for a costly divorce or starting over from scratch.
7. It’s never too late to start fresh
When I turned 30, I spent a lot of time thinking about all the things I wanted to accomplish before I turned 40. Nowhere in my 5 or 10-year plan did I picture a divorce. Yet, here I am at 37, divorced, and a single mom of two young children. When I look back at how much I have lost and wasted over the years, I am ashamed and heartbroken. I should not be here right now. I knew better, I should have done better. I can’t fathom all the gains I could have made in my life. And yet, I have to remind myself how incredibly blessed I am. I am so thankful for the wonderful opportunity to start afresh.
I have had the opportunity to connect with different people who’ve been recently divorced just like me. Many are much older than I am, and some are spending their golden years dealing with a divorce. Whether it’s getting a job after being a stay-at-home parent their entire marriage or figuring out a whole new retirement reality, these courageous men and women are putting one foot in front of the other and starting over. I have done a lot of work to deal with my mistakes and all my trauma but boy am I thankful that I can put my divorce behind me and face the greater half of my life with purpose and clarity.
8. You never start from scratch, you start from experience.
When I look back at the last 15 years of my life, I wonder how things could have ended so badly. My marriage vows were till death do us part, and I honored those vows to the death of me. And yet when I do a full post-mortem of my marriage I have to acknowledge how young and foolish I was. So hopelessly in love, hopelessly blind. I want to grab that young girl and shake some sense into her but she’s looking right back at me asking me if I really think I can do any better.
The answer is yes. I am not that young naive little girl looking for a savior in anyone and everyone. I am not even the same person I was 3 years ago. Well, in many ways I still am. I still believe in love, I believe that it’s not all doom and gloom. I believe that people can fully recover from trauma. I should know. I spent the last 2 years facing all of my fears and shouting “you don’t own me”
And yes I am starting over, I get a blessed opportunity to do so. But I’m not starting from scratch. I’m starting from experience. I’m starting from growth. I’m starting from healing.
-Funmi J
